My Husband Says “Just Ask Me”
May 26, 2010 by kristinemac
Filed under Marriage
So I was over at To Love Honor and Vaccum this morning, the blog of author/speaker Sheila Gregoire, where she is talking about whether there is or should be a differentiation between "men's work" and "women's work".
You know what I'm talking about I'm sure.
"Woman's work" = She cleans the house, makes the meals, cares for the kids, etc
.
"Man's work" = He takes out the garbage, mows the grass, etc.
This is typically a stereotype from 1950's television but some people really take this idea to heart…and it can be a thorn in a relationship if it's not something already agreed upon in a relationship BEFORE the wedding. In other words, a wife who finds herself doing all of the work in the home as well as taking care of the kids, and probably maintaining some kind of job outside the home, can potentially get resentful of a husband who pulls the "woman's work" card, even if he's diligently providing for the family through a full-time job.
I personally believe a husband and wife should know what to expect from each other in regard to care of the home and as far as chores are concerned. This is something that truly should be worked out from the get go to avoid conflict.
My husband and I had to work out some of these things early on in our marriage. I was taught by my mother that if you see something that needs to be done then just do it. There was no "man's work" or "woman's work" in our house. While my parents were still married I routinely witnessed both my parents doing a variety of chores around the house…whenever it needed to be done and whoever was available to do it.
Early on, my husband was of a mind that since he worked outside the home and I was the one at home taking care of our babies then that was my space and responsibility. However, if I needed help with something…be it the laundry, the dishes, cooking a meal, diapering a child, mending a garment, trimming a child's hair, or what have you…all I had to do was ask.
It took me a lot of years to figure that out.
Part of the problem was that my husband and I never talked about who did what in the home when we were first married. We both had expectations that the other one would already know apparently, because we are all raised the same way and have the same experiences…everybody knows that right? (insert tongue in cheek)
Even though my husband would say "Just ask me and I'll do it." I still had the expectation that he should be able to SEE and DO what was necessary around the house. You know, there is a lot more peace in our home now that I truly know all I have to do is ask.
So is there truly "men's work" and "women's work" in or outside the home?
Discuss it within the context of your relationship and decide what work's best for you both!
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My husband says the same thing. He's willing to help but after a long week at work he doesn't always see what needs to be done because he's focused on relaxing. So all I need to do is ask, and usually he's happy to help so we can all have a relaxing weekend
You took the words right out of my mouth… I've had to learn the exact same lesson, and accept that my husband (maybe men in general?) really doesn't see what needs to be done around the house. But he is happy to help if asked. I think this must be why "honey-do" lists came into existence.
Absolutely
I love a good "honey-do" list!
Mike says that a lot around here "just ask me, I'll do it." I really don't care either way, but it bothers him if I walk past him to do something when he could have done it just as easily.
My recent post Wifey Wednesday: Women's work
My husband honestly just doesn't think about it…lol. So he is like "just ask". We've learned how to make that work over the years.
How many arguments in marriage have started because we think something is obvious and our husbands are clueless? We think they are being mean and careless, and they really are scratching their heads. Sure, we wish they could read our minds and our feelings all of the time, or look at room and see the same thing that we do – but often they don't. So why make a dramatic fight? Just ask! Great post.
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Your'e right. We do tend to want our husband's to be mind readers and simply asking could go a long way to lowering potential for conflict.
My husband is such a sweetheart that I hate to ask him for anything, but sometimes I have to due to health limitations. This use to be so hard for me as I had a lot of womanly pride to overcome; but he would much prefer me to ask him then for me to play the martyr!Lol
Getting past those early years of timidity was difficult, but there is so much freedom in our marriage now! (Almost 18 blessed years, thanks to Christ!)
My recent post Which Will You Choose?
Yes, that's another good point…wives are better to ask for help when needed rather than harbor angry or upset feelings later. Congratulations to 18 years of marriage!
We have been married for 18 years, with 4 wonderful exhausting children. A few years ago we realised my wife was bringing up the kids as if she were a single parent. She would take them to the doctors, help with the homework, organise the birthday parties – all the things she felt were her responsibility whether she was any good at those tasks or not. I ended up feeling shut out and not valued. So we made some adjustments, had some arguments, and we're in a better place with that now. But sometimes we drift again, so we find it a helpful reminder to say "I love you, but you're not a single parent"
Good point. Some times it's easy to drift into specific tasks and unintentionally shut the other person out. Good on you for realizing and speaking up rather than going along with the status quo!
Kristine–such a great point! Why don't we try asking for a change?
I think too often we expect husbands to act the same way that we do, and when they don't we think they're intentionally being dolts. But chances are they're not. So why don't we just ASK? I love it!
Thanks for linking up!
Thanks Sheila