He’s Not My Prince Charming

You know, in the early years of my marriage I was very much influenced by the overly romanticized ideas I'd gleaned from soap operas, books, and movies when it came to what I expected in a husband. A fairy tale understanding of romance which led me to believe that the man I would marry would some how "rescue" me from what I considered to be a then "unfulfilled" life.

I met my husband in college and suddenly he became my world. As we began our life together in 1988 I believed my husband and I would always experience blissful (romantic) love which would see us through even the most difficult times. I believed that some how, because we were Christians and both come from families which felt the pain of divorce, that some how WE would be unique. 

In my mind the handsome young man I married was MY "Prince Charming". The man who rescued me from a tower of loneliness and would always slay the dragons and protect me from anything the world might throw at us.

You might say I was a wee bit naive.

However I learned rather quickly that reality had very little to do with the romantic stories I'd come to believe. The reality, as I learned in a short time, was that years of living with another person who had his own "baggage" not yet dealt with and unrealistic expectations of his own led to a difficult and often tumultuous relationship.

My ideas of the "Perfect Prince Charming" were not being met by the man I married or the fantasy to which I often compared him. I tried everything I could to shape him into the husband I expected and the prince I thought he should be but no matter how hard he tried to please me he always fell short of the "princely model" I desired.

What eventually followed was separation, confusion, and a lot of pain twelve years into our marriage, including five years of separation. At one time or other we both filed for divorce, although God intervened and both times the papers were missed by the other or never signed.

You see God had a different understanding of the situation. God saw "the prince" my husband was for me even though His version and mine were very different.Thankfully God's will for our marriage won out. Eventually my husband and I began to recognize the difference between unrealistic expectations and the deeper level of love and commitment which God intended for us to experience.

Here is the thing I have now come to understand as I've walked through the past 21 years of relationship with the man I call my husband, friend, and lover.  I don't want him to be my Prince Charming, my savior, or the one who "completes" my life. I don't expect my husband to "make me happy". 

No one but God can do any of that!

It took me a long time to understand that when we make a human being the center of our lives, the foundation of our world, that world will eventually crumble and fall to ruin. It's simply unfair to them to put that kind of expectation or pressure on any individual human being.

Only God can be our true foundation and center of our life as individuals and as a couple.

My husband is the companion I walk through this life with and look to for leadership and support. He is the father of my children, confidant, and the one who listens when no one else will or can understand. He doesn't look anything like a fairytale prince and some times I find him to be extremely vexing.

Do you want to know something?

I thank God for the man He brought into my life every day. He's not perfect (and neither am I). Yet we accept one another and have promised faithfulness, friendship, and deep covenant love to each other for life…warts and all.

Women (and men) today are inundated with all kinds of ideas and images about relationships and marriage that continue to foster the myth of "prince charming" and do no favor to any young wife (or husband) who are going about the work of creating a successful and enduring marriage.

Wives do themselves no favors by filling their minds with things (movies, television, novels, magazine ads) which undermine their husband in their eyes, hearts or minds. Be careful what you allow to inform your understanding or view of marriage, and particularly your husband. Be realistic in your expectations of the man. Talk to him! Let your husband know how your feeling or what your needs are but also be willing to listen and ready to hear his own. Always remember the meaning of covenant as the Bible expresses it and understand that a marriage relationship requires care and work to maintain. 

You know, the Bible tells us to set our minds on what is "pure, noble, and of good repute",  When it comes to our husbands, focusing on the positive character qualities which attracted us and avoid comparing our husbands to any other man (real or imaginary) goes a long way to helping us as wives keep our expectations to a more loving, realistic, and marriage sustaining level.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phillipians 4:8 (NIV)

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